I almost don't want to write about it.
It makes me afraid that it might come true.
But it has been on my mind, and in order to get it out - I must get it out of my mind and mouth by discussing it with the masses. Or at least the very small mass of people that will read this blog.
Sunday I spoke with a woman who somehow mentioned to me that her dad died when she was 6 weeks old, her mom remarried a year or so later, and since she never really knew her dad - her step-dad is who she is referring to when she says "dad".
I almost broke down crying right then.
Here are my thoughts in order:
1. My dad. Jane will not remember him. Kid #2 will have zero experiences with him. It made me think of the other day when Jane told me over breakfast that she had "one papa, two grandmas, one doggie, and one Ashley" (her babysitter). I reminded her of Grandpa Jim, and she looked at me like I was nuts. I think she only knows him as this bearded character who flies helicopters in her helicopter movie.
2. This is really my greatest fear: me dying. Me, dead, and my kid(s) being raised with no memory of me. No knowledge of how much I loved them. No recollection of the sound of my voice.
(I am taking a little break to cry a little)
Really, this is silly. Silly to live in fear.
Really, this is selfish. Selfish to think that I am so important.
Really, this is prideful. Pride in my super good job I'm doing as a parent.
But I am truly fearful, I am truly important, and I am truly proud of the job I'm doing as a parent. Mostly though, I would be so sad for my kid(s) to not know me, my love, my desire to see them grow and improve and become excellently contributing citizens.
Aren't we all doing what we think is best? Don't we all want our kids to be raised with our own values and ideals? Do you think someone else would do that for your child(ren)?
All I can think of is Jane calling some other chick "mom" at her college graduation. Some woman who I don't know, and won't do things MY way, and couldn't love my Jane possibly as much as I do.
Why am I making myself cry like this?
Last night I mentioned this to Blaine, and he said "why would I care what happens, I'll be dead" ? Perfectly reasonable question. But reasonable is not what this feeling is. It is torture, and dread, and fearful.
So I cried myself silently to sleep - telling myself that I will just write it all down here to get it off my chest. However, now I feel heavier.
Deep breath.
Sorry for being so depressing. Just trying to help myself!
This is why I scrapbook. To tell the stories that no one can tell for/about me. So that's good.
Sadly,
Stacey
8 comments:
Oh my, Stacey. I talk about this ALL the time! In fact, I am kind of mean about it to my husband. When he doesn't know what to feed Jocelyn, or how many ounces Sam should get, or which diapers are triple stuffed for Sam to wear at night, I sometimes ask him, "What the heck are you going to do if something happens to me? I freak out about it now and then, and cry also. Would he send OUR kids to his mom? Of course, he would probably use a day care for now, but what about when he has to go back to a ship? What will he do with them! I'm not so terrified that I will not be there for their high school graduation and what not, but more scared of, "Will they make it to their high school graduation without me?"
I don't think you need to feel guilty about feeling this way. I think it is completely normal. It's weird, though, because I don't actually fear death itself. I am not afraid of dying because of dying. I like to think I know where I am going, and if it's my time, then it's my time. I am scared of what will happen after I die. It's scary. Anyone who is not at least a little bit worried about that, is a complete weirdo in my book. :)
The worst part for me, is knowing that I'd be fine if something happened to Brad...not emotionally of course. But, I know that I'd be able to hold it together for the kids, take care of them and provide for them. Last night Brad and I were playing cribbage and out of nowhere, I asked, "If something happened to you, how long do you think they'd let me live in this house? Seriously, how long would they wait before kicking a grieving widow to the curb?" I was completely insensitive about it, like moving would be my only worry if he were to die tomorrow. I do fear him dying, selfishly and for my own emotional well being, but not for being a single parent...because I know I can do that part. But, do I consider his feelings about raising his kids without a daddy? Nope. I'm too busy being scared about the possibility of him struggling to raise them without me.
My biggest fear happens to not involve the death of either of us, because that really is just beyond our control. I fear one of us CHOOSING or WANTING to leave. But, I don't fear myself into tears about that one, because right now I just can't picture it happening. ;)
I'm sorry for the long comment. I just realized that my last paragraph might sound a bit insensitive to some people. That wasn't my goal. I was not judging anyone who has chosen or wanted to leave their spouse. I was just referring to how I really fear heartbreak and the feeling of no longer loving or no longer being loved by that person who has held your heart you for so long. Does that make sense? I have always said that heartbreak is my biggest fear. It has only happened to me once, but I think it is the most painful thing in the world...even worse than Kidney stones.
I love you.
Ladies, (Amy and Stacey),
It is the year anniversary this week of the first of the two ladies from Korea who died as young mothers...so this has actually been on my mind lately.
Yes, it is a real fear, and crazy to read these women's blogs and see how their lives were totally normal before one got cancer and died within 7 months, and the other with NO WARNING after childbirth. I'm not trying to scare you (cause you are pregnant), because I know you remember their stories. The fact is, God can take us whenever he wants, AND, He already knows exactly when that is. Who would have ever dreamed that only a week after giving birth and surviving chemo, Sarah would die. http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com/ Since her death anniversary is this week, I spend hours last night reading about their journey (go back to early Sep 09 for the blog...then read all of Sept). It is CRAZY. Her husband is a God fearing man and has been doing a great job raising their daughter.
Less than a month later, Katie died about two hours after birth. That came out of no where, leaving her husband, 22 month old, and newborn all alone. http://www.babyhomepages.net/friedmanfamily/music.php?t=index.php
These stories are heart breaking and Lord knows I've spent hours reading their blogs and I can't understand why God would take these young mothers. But, God's plan it is...not ours, so we must trust Him.
Anyway, I love you and be assured that if something happened to you, we would support Blaine, Jane, and baby boy.
You are loved and please don't spend too much time worrying!
This fear is written in the fine print of the job descript of a MOM. Good thing none of us read the fine print because we wouldn't have taken the job! Your feelings are LEGIT-SCARY and you're not alone! Since the fine print was not read and we signed on the dotted line anyway... You have to think positively about it. I tell myself that if my husband remarries, it is a compliment to me that he enjoyed marriage. I trust that God will bring the right "mother" into my childrens lives and my memory will live on.
(((Hugs))) stacey! Unfortunatly I have these same irrational thoughts as a mom... probably steming from the fact That I haven't had a mom in almost 15years... and I know first hand how much it sucks... I hate everytime I have to explain to Tristyn where "my mommy" is. She knows who daddy's parents are, she knows who my dad is, then she wonders why I call judy by her name, fun stuff I tell ya!
But after a nice bath and a good cry, I just remember that I need to be focused on Jesus, because only He can fill any voids in my life, and If I am focused on Him, and teach Tristyn to be, then he will carry both of us through whatever life brings us.
Love you! Katie
thoughts like these (and many others that are equally as horrific) run thru my mind every night as i try to go to sleep.
it's one of the curses of being a mom, i think.
but i think this though is particularly on your mind because you have experienced the loss of a parent. it makes sense that this would be a concern of yours.
it's hard not to go crazy thinking about the "what ifs", but all we can do is do our best now and pray for strength...
I feel like I run from these feelings constantly. I know it's wrong to think of them and worry about them, because it does no good, but I find myself just crying into my steering wheel while driving home some nights, totally overwhelmed with the idea of never making it home from my drive and Milo never knowing my love for him. It's far worse if I dare think of something happening to him.
Loving someone so much is such a blessing, but sometimes it's a very, very heavy one. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone. <3
Jesus came to set free those who live in fear, i experienced that fear..of death every night for 5 years of my life till 2 weeks ago!
I love you Stacey! and I so appreciate the candid picture you paint as you write in your blog!!
Praying always,
xoxoox jessika
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