My dad, my protector, the sane and calm family member, is no longer with us.
I've been so focused on clearing out his offices and dissolving his business that I have been able to keep my emotions rather in control. But, man it hurts.
My chest has been hurting for the past 10-ish days. It just feels tight. My shoulders are curling forward because I keep slumping over papers and tears. My eyes are swollen from reading through documents and crying, and from trying not to cry.
I just need to write this down because, although I am mourning the loss of my dad, I am even more frightened of forgetting him. I am so scared of losing the sound of his voice. I am terrified of not passing on his dreamer legacy to my kid(s?). They will never know their Grandpa. God, that makes me just so sad.
But I am thankful. I am thankful that I was able to get to know my dad, the man, as I became an adult. I am thankful that he passed on the family legacy of teaching me to fly. I am thankful that I was able to hear him laugh, see him beam proudly at me, and to read the Christmas letters that he wrote specifically for me (and each of his kids) from the time I was in high school. I am thankful for my dad.
And I am so sad that he is gone.
3 comments:
stacey, i am so sorry . . .
i don't know what to say, but know that i have been thinking of you every day since i found out.
i kept seeing silver chevy impalas on the road today. i cry everytime i watch amanda's slide show. i have vowed to watch the showcopters dvd with the girls at least once a week until they get sick of it. i can't believe it has been two weeks, it is unreal. we will survive, but we will never be the same.
I feel the same way, Stace. You are not alone. I am so thankful that both my boys know Grandpa Jim through the Showcopter DVD! It has been their favorite DVD since last summer, and it is so weird to watch it with them now. I am especially protective of it now since it is my only copy (I was scolding Trevor earlier because he was popping it out of the DVD player carelessly and I don't want him to scratch it). It is weird hearing Dad's voice on the movie. It is just so hard.
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